Main photo: photodisc; leaf photo ©iStockphoto.com/Ben Walker
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LORA COHN STOOD IN THE DOORWAY OF HER department chair's office listening as he described a complicated assessment form he
hoped she would complete. Tears began to show in her eyes.
"I'm sorry," she said, waving a hand. "I know I'm not supposed to be like this. I know I'm supposed to be stronger. But I
had to put my 15-year-old kitty Dagwood down yesterday, and I just can't concentrate on anything today."
What Cohn needed most at that moment was to communicate her feelings with a human. She needed to sit down and tell Dagwood's
story. She needed to mourn.
Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., in his book, When Your Pet Dies: A Guide to Mourning, Remembering, and Healing (Companion Press, 2004), draws a critical distinction between grieving and mourning. "Mourning is the outward expression of
grief," he says. The problem: In modern society it's natural to grieve, but it's not acceptable to mourn—much. People don't
like to think about death, let alone talk about it. As Wolfelt points out, we have established the pursuit of happiness as an inalienable right. And, if we have little tolerance
for mourning human death, we have less tolerance for those who mourn the death of their pets.
Dr. Melissa Rose, Cohn's veterinarian in Parkville, Mo., sees first-hand the reluctance people feel to mourn. "A lot of people
I see are embarrassed by their feelings," she says, "even though some people feel closer to their pets than they do to their
family members."
It's inevitable that most of your clients will stand in a doorway someday holding back tears. You know—better than any other
health professional—the helpless feeling you get watching a person mourn the loss of his or her best friend. However, the
experts say that you don't have to feel helpless. You know you can help dying pets out of life; you can also help their companions
through the loss.
Let mourning happen
Cohn holds a doctorate in communication studies. She cites research suggesting the helping power of telling "the story" of
those we lose. Cecilia Bosticco and Teresa Thompson summarized the literature last year in The Journal of Family Communication:
The very act of telling stories, of putting loss into words, they say, helps people understand their grief. Listening, providing
the space and time for them tell the story, is one important way you may be able to help your clients.
"It was a beautiful thing to me"
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Sharon DeNayer, practice manager at Windsor Veterinary Clinic in Windsor, Colo., knows how important it is for her clients
to share their stories. "Veterinary medicine is the only medical profession where we actually see the patient from birth to
death," she says. "That's great, but it also puts a lot of pressure on veterinarians and their team members. As a practice,
we knew we needed to offer a lot more pet loss support."
DeNayer learned about end-of-life issues through coursework at Wolfelt's Center for Loss & Life Transition in Fort Collins,
Colo. And when Windsor co-owner, Dr. Robin Downing started "The Downing Center for Animal Pain Management"—a referral practice
within the clinic—DeNayer took on the title of Bereavement Companion.
DeNayer follows Wolfelt's philosophy that the best strategy is to offer people friendship through their journey. "That's really
what we're doing," she says. "We're helping people arrive at the point they can say it's time for euthanasia, and we're serving
as companions through the process."
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